Marriage in Context

(Or How to Solve 90% of Your Marriage Problems)

Many of the challenges encountered by Christian husbands and wives stem from our tendency to approach marriage in isolation from its biblical context.  In the NT, marriage is always addressed in the context of Body life in Christ.  (See Eph 4.1-5.25; Col 3.1-19; 1Pet1.22-3.9.)  And as a facet of Body life, marriage presumes a foundation of all basic Christian duties.  Within marriage, however, we tend to focus on the special duties of husbands and wives apart from the more basic Christian duties that flow from “love your neighbor as yourself” and “love one another as I have loved you.”  (Mt 22.39; Jn 13.34.)  We tend to forget that our spouse is, first, our neighbor, second, our Christian brother or sister, and only then our husband or wife.  (Song 4.10.)

Ninety percent of problems in marriage are not marriage problems; they are basic Christian obedience problems.  They have nothing to do with the biblical roles of husbands and wives; they pertain to “love your neighbor as yourself” and “love one another as I have loved you.”  Why can’t we see that?  Why do we misdiagnose our problems?

Well, one of the main reasons is, as sinners, we want to blame our spouse, and as Christian sinners, we want to use a Bible verse to do it.  So what are you going to use – a verse that applies to both of you or one that applies only to your spouse?  Of course, you are going to use the club with their name on it, so they can’t grab it out of your hand and beat you with it.  So husbands go straight for wife verses, and wives go straight for husband verses.  Then, in the name of biblical marriage, brothers and sisters in Christ dump some of the most toxic waste imaginable into their homes.  When Christians approach marriage that way, they are living as combatants rather than as brothers and sisters in Christ.  There are only three things combatants can do: fight, walk away (divorce), or settle into a cold war.  All three are toxic to one another and to their children.

Before ever addressing husbands and wives, Paul says to all Christians:

Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.  (Eph 4.29-32.)

If that is our duty to every Christian, how much more is it our duty to our spouse?  How can we expect God’s blessing in our high marital duties when we grieve the Spirit in our basic Christian duties?